| a tear in the wind is nothing but a sorrowfull song |
[entries|friends|calendar] |
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| pretty sad |
[30 Apr 2007|12:06am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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sometimes...i think that i am not the right person to be with chris. he says so manny mean things to me and he claims that they arent mean just like today he told me that the reason all my relationships didnt last was becuse i got tired of the sex. i just feel so bad and now he gets to go do excorsize and its going to be in classes and shit and he gets to stare at all the hot girls and im not going to be with him, i know he loves me but lets face it im not the girl he fell in love with JUST LIKE HE TOLD ME yea i know im not happy at all and sometimes i just want to quit this relationship becuse then he could do whatever he wanted and after a while i wouldnt think about it and it wouldnt bother me.... i dont know what to do i know i sound emo but wtf i am so mad at him i wish i could be in his shoes only have to worry about going to school not have to worry about getting a job or car payments or how im going to get were i need to go or whatever becuse i would have an awsome girlfriend/ wife thing that loved me forever and soo much... but im not i have to worry about getting a job and supporting us and all those things that just pisses me off and he gets to go take those classes... one day when i am gone and i get to go do stuff were the possibiltys of seeing hot guys work out or something will arise and he wont like it... he just doesnt get it now... i dont have enugh money to go do those things he gets for free. im so pissed. its not fair, i never wanted this for myself... never ever. im not saying that i am not happy with him just this isnt were i saw myself at 19 i mean i am glad im out of my parents house but everything just hit me so hard and im not happy about it i wanna go off and have friends and do my own thing but the friends i want he doesnt like becuse its my ex boyfriend and just other ppl he doesnt think to highly of i mean if i wasnt so in love with him i would get an apartment with haidee and just you know worry about that but then i dont want that becuse i want my own place to do whatever i want with... sometimes i just i dont know....im just really confused right now and i cant talk to chris becuse he NEVER EVER EVER UNDERSTANDS HE MAKES IT SOUND LIKE IM THE BAD GUY EVEN IF HE DOESNT REALIZE HE IS DOING IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HE DOES... AND IT HURTS. WE CANT EVEN GO A WEEK WITHOUT FIGHTING ABOUT SOMETHING BECUSE OF HIM THAT COMES UP AND HURTS ME.... and thats why sometimes i think i am in the wrong relationship..... i dont know what to do... and i have no one to talk to that really cares.... you know
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| help |
[26 Apr 2007|12:53pm] |
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god i am soooooo pissed off a lot of people owe me and chris money and its stupid becuse i need like 100 bucks to pay off my shit this month so i can get a job and wont have to wory about ne one takeing away my car and or my insurance... i just am so upset becuse we dont even have money to by like whatever we need we have 10 bucks to last us for till we run out...im freaking out and worring so bad somone help...
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| oh my god whats up sexy bitches |
[11 Apr 2007|04:06pm] |
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mood |
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 ditzy |
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i want to be jeffree star he is the best i am like soo bored right now i cant wait till i get cable in my room. i like have to take the biggest shit and obviously i think that this is journal worthy so all you bitches and hos should think so to. its not like everyone really wrights in the lj ne more i mean really come on i could say almost anything and its not like i will get a reply lol.... so ne ways bitches besides the bitching this is whats been going on in my life so far
lets see im trying to get a job hopefully at a tanning salon and then if not that at the k mart. nothing is like so cool that its really worth talking about except the new athf movie that i totally want to see and saturday im getting a phone bitches so i will be mobil and shuit so like i will be asking for numbers....
GOD I AM LIKE SO TOATALLY BORED AND LIKE WANT TO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE....
and like my mom is soo totally mad at me and so is my dad cus like i moved out and they cant like controll me anymore. it blows like so bad. like when i talked to my mom today she said that dad "instrcted" her not to give me anymore money or anything... im upset but i guess thats growing up...lol... and you know what else guys there are like no good chat rooms in the world anymore and im pissed like i totaly want to make new friends to like chat with and shit online but i mean really all there is now are people who are like slutty and all oh my good i have boobs look at my profile..... i dont know its dumb and i still have to shit well maybe its just farts i dont know but what i do know is im a poor sexy bitch who needs money so she can make herself even more sexy so people will want to hire her.
pft whateever i mean i am beautifull and if bitches dont want to hire me its there loss whatever.... i need money... oh god i am like so bored right now and sheit ....... please....ne ways im like bored and i want to go paint my nails and shit or something im just so friggin bored i think iam going to go through my junk drawer and like straiten things up so later for now bitches
and by the way ....thats hott!!
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| sooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored |
[10 Apr 2007|07:31pm] |
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well i guess instead of wrighting in my little book diary i will wright here again im so bored ther is nothing to do no one is online that has yahoo and chris is playing video games im just so bored almost all my friends are doing there own thing lately and all i want to do is get a job that i like when i am gone then chris is cuddly....argh im so tired today i drove to medford and back for a friend and i went to spencers and i didnt see that much playboy bunny stuff its kinda dissapointing im like way into that stuff now just the bunny stuff im not like a slut or whatver most people seem to think when i say that. i wish the chat room thing would work for me better on yahoo....argh im so bored somone needs to be online to talk to me fucccccccccck
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| i am fucking bored |
[09 Apr 2007|04:28pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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music |
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wishing it was justin timberlake's sexy back |
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no one is online and i am so bored, there is no one to talk to im like fucking hungry as shit. and all chris wants to do is play video games i am half tempted to go to my local wall mart and find something good to eat this is the worst time of day ever chris can go without eating and i have to fucking be all ahhh im hungry. he doesnt like going anywere he likes to sit and im the wild one who wants to go out alll the time fuck im bored i wish i could call haidee and all hang out with her i think that i am just going to go have a smoke and leave. and i wont get the computer till later tonight becuse chris is letting his friend use it and fucking yahoo messanger isnt working and i think i just might use g mail or something else that is simple and shit... fuck...i will wright back later im fucking bored and hungry .....fuck god of war 2 thats all chris wants to play....argh im leaveing... im hungry.
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| yargh me matteys |
[09 Apr 2007|11:01am] |
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actually no not really almost 20 pretty fucking happy about that bored and need a job moved out going to medford saturday and need friends and money chris is acting strange and distant bored and wanting to leave me cus im tooo clingy damn me affection i want a kitten and name it bill kitten haa haa uh going to try and go to schoool this summer nothing much now when i have time later tonight probably write more
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| i feel |
[12 Apr 2006|12:34am] |
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mood |
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 hopefull and pissed |
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i feel like no one reads this wich is good becuse now i can actually type freely and say whatever i want like oh my god ben is the best but everytime well almost everytime i say that to anyone or to him the meaning starts to be empty like your favorite track of a cd that you play one to manny times over and over and you just know it by heart and it doesnt strike that hot firelike feeling in your body and heart... its just a dull sensation that meditates you and calms you. and in my idea thats what love is your over the bullshit obsession and over the bullshit oh my god i cant believe i am with this person ect and then there is only familurality and a happy warming sensation whooo warms on contatct ha ha dirty well yea i know ben will never read this so i know i could go on and on about good things and bad i could say anything i want on this and wahts best is i could talk about sex drugs masterbation and the inability of men to commit and maybe fake orgasums lol sorry little miss congeniality there ha ha i suck at spelling i guess my mind is so tired andi just rambel on and on and thats ok its makeing me feel better i need to get a job soon and i never want to even shop at the dollar tree i cant stand it there i had to quit i needed to get out of that place it was just putting a mental block in me that was so hurrendice that i couldnt even think straight but i will miss the recepit paper oh how i will that stuff went on for days and days and you know how fun things are that go on for days and days hmm well i really diss like my parents and there up to there old haveing sex and i haveing to hear it tricks again its sikening it almost makes me not want to have sex at all ever again its like you know if it was somone elses parents yay good for then they have a healthy sex life but its mine and i knwo how nasty and sick and just there is no word to describe the icky ness before me i mean god i cant wait till ben and i get a place wich will be in about maybe 6 months or more and i cant wait untill i can just not have to deel with this cesspool of what goes on around here its too stupid i mean i really am triing to do the right thing and handel my parents but i dont know sometimesi feel more adult then them and they still treat me mentaly and verbaly and phsically like a 12 yearold it pisses me off gar and the such. bah i have ben to treat me like a parent at least when he repermands me he doesnt mostly sometimes treat me like a child...fuck if he did god damnit... i dont know i mean i really love ben but somtimes its not fair i feel like i should have more le way then him becuse he has done in all sence of the word and seeen and had and experianced more than i have and probably ever will. so its hard for him to treat me like all fatherly and not let me learn from my own mistakes it kinda makes me wonder if he ever listend to all the ppl that told him stuff like he tells me. gar i have to get up early and shit i dont want to but i need a new job if i want a place with ben and a nose piercing and stuff rar i know it sucks i need a new car and a new life and a new outlook on things as afi puts it "Hard to notice gleaming from the sky,
when you're staring at the cracks.
Hard to notice what is passing by with eyes lowered."
yea you get the drift or i do and thats all that matters. god i hate being home everytime i am doing anything mom has to come and bug me with shit i already know or really really really dont care about god...im gona start bitching i need a FUCKING DRINK.
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[10 Apr 2006|08:28pm] |
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mood |
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 you get it you all get it i no |
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music |
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the sound of my breathing and stuff of other such flatulents |
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so im gona rambel on for somethign fun cus my brain is gone... ok so if i had 3 oranges and appels tha twould make me billl gates and if ihad an adam sessler and a dog that would make me a perve but if i was michel jackson and doing goth reaseerch that would jsut make me a poser becuse licking your elbows are funn but its when someone grabs your secret nub is when it gets a bit to personal. sometimes at night.. i touch my self.. my selfone heh it would work if i said it instead of wrighting it...w elll i mean i feel bad becuse all my friends are like haveing emotional problems and i cant do ne and OH OH bread makes me feel yummy on the inside and GOD JUST HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP .. that reminds me of that one family guy were they did the toad and it was like the tootsie pop comercal and the kid was like "mr. toad how many licks of you does it take to get to the rodhe island state pen.?" then big jail bars came on the screen and was like "JUST ONE" it was cool chris is played by seth green he is cool he was on buffy i like buffy.. buffy is the shitt and there is a family guy like related south park show thing that is going on and like its bad and no one really wants to see it on the tv but i do oh how i do and just how many god damned licks does it take to get the the center i want to know i want to know someone told me like 350 but i think they were lieing all liez lies and fibulateions hmmm ok im done bye
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| wow its been so long |
[10 Apr 2006|05:40pm] |
ok well i guess i lost my job at the dollar tree i was so sick of being treeted like crap half of me just wishes that i could have acted like a bitch and get fired instead of just walking out. still it was pretty great becuse there was customers there and i was the only cashier at the time so the fucking stupid bitch managers had to do work themselves that they thought was beneath them ha ha i hope heather (the manager) had to work the register instead of some other stupid stocker person. see thats what i dont get i wanted to be a cashier and i finally get it haveing to fight tooth and nail to get it and then it just blows up in my face and is what i wanted but not like i wanted well it at least gave me 6 months of cash handeling experiance ha ha ha ha ha i dont know i mean i really have to look hard for a job now and no more driving around for me and i have to limit my ciggaret intake becuse i only have like 76 bucks in the bank 71 of witch is able for me to touch. so unless i get and envelope of money in my mail box addressed to me from an annonmys person then im screwed but i can hope. lol i dont know i feel tho i dissapoint ben sometimes and he gives me less credit for stuff then he should. but i guess how can he know if i dont show him and he doestn notice when i try or doesnt belive me when i say trust me dude i am ok to drive ya i admit i am a little drunk but fuck it i cant learn to do it right and show you i can drive if you dont give me a chance
plus usually its not like im falling down drunk just a littl tipsy god. oh well i will just take it as him loveing and watching out for me. i dont know he got so pissed about me and joe hanging out, well not really pissed just feeling of ditched and crap becuse i didnt tell him everything that was up and what i was doing and when i told him i was done he thought with everything not just bowling. eh oh yea for those of you who just tuned in i was dateing a 27 year old whoot whoot go team me then i dated this guy that i had the biggest stalker crush on since for ever, like 3rd grade... yeah im happy every one remembers me obsessing over the one ben guy with the cool eyes, yea or not lol whoot whooot whoooot i got him, ha ha and i thought he was to good for me...psh. ne ways yea nothing much going on parents are still as crazy if not worse as usuall. ah i want to get my own place and i need a new job, thats the worst part i feel like a bum now that i dont have a job and i want to be a normal 18 yearold and be doing my shit moving out and haveing a good job were i get like 400 bucks a check i mean sure its not big money but it would be better than like 250 i check for every 2 weeks that i would have got at the dollar tree or on the hours that they had me on when i quit witch for 2 weeks would have amounted to a total of like 120 2 weeks maybe 87 cus of the pay period eh whatever you guys get the point. hmm but i do feel diffrent since i quit my job more motivated and less weiged down you know like i can do anything but i am doing what i want to make life better god i want everything just to be ok. becuse like i am starting to think more like ben and in gettting me shit done... yar flogging molly is a good band... so is fall out boy. hmm well i think im gona stop talking and go like sniff a peanut or lick an orange oh that reminds me this one time ha ha actually 3 months ago i was in the hospital with dotsie and i licked the hospital wall and i didnt get sick it was grand and i actually felt better after that i had like a sore throat and i was like *lick* and then i wasnt hurting later on when we left.... yum free penicilan
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| ive got this song in my heart and a shuffle in my step |
[08 Mar 2006|11:12pm] |
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FALL OUT BOY LYRICS
"I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)"
Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"*
We're the kids who feel like dead ends
And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses
I took a shot and didn't even come close
At trust and love and hope
And the poets are just kids who didn't make it
And never had it at all
And the record won't stop skipping
And the lies just won't stop slipping
And besides my reputation's on the line
We can fake it for the airwaves
Force our smiles, baby, half dead
From comparing myself to everyone else around me
Please put the doctor on the phone 'cause I'm not making any sense
Blame everyone but me for this mess
And my back has been breaking from this heavy heart
We never seemed so far
I'm hopelessly hopeful, that you're just hopeless enough
But we never had it at all
And the record won't stop skipping
And the lies just won't stop slipping
And besides my reputation's on the line
We can fake it for the airwaves
Force our smiles, baby, half dead
From comparing myself to everyone else around me
to everyone else around me
everyone else around me
everyone else around me
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| i hate hate |
[13 Nov 2005|01:46am] |
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sometimes i feel so dumb so weak, i hate me so much it just seeths and bubbles and squirms and boils down into me it festers like a pimple thats just under the surface that you cant pop... its there everytime you wake up to when you go to sleep its that feeling and knowlege that gives you stress dreams that you are fighting something or are in class naked... or some rudementry sadness or annoyance thats so frusturateing... its there when you go to school or work or even by yourself doing nothing... always reminding you of just who you are...
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| so its the day of all demons |
[31 Oct 2005|03:25pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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and i cant even feel happy. i mean there is things that make me happy like nate pretty much being ok with joe and i and joe being there for me but i wanted this halloween to be special. i dont know why but lately i have been a bit down. joe asks me if i am doing ok or if i am alright and i dont think he would understand if i told him everything about just how i get depressed sometimes... i wish i could make him happy it seems like he is working his ass off to make me happy and all i do is just fuck shit up sometimes or get him mildly frusturated. i guess i am nutorious for that i mean thats what happend between nate and i.. i dotn know i think today is just a strange day. i mean dotsie called me up and asked me if i wanted to go to a party and shit but i dont know... i mean i get to sleep in later tonite cus i work at ten but still i mean i wanted to really go to the oit and walk around...but i think im just going to be like whatever and not do anything...as sad as it sounds i think i just might have grown out of halloween bah... i think i might be depressed from last night too i mean i had sad sad dreams and scary dreams and just not fun stuff. i wish i had a lot of money and i wish i was the best person anyone ever knew... i hope today goes ok.
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| ahoy all |
[12 Oct 2005|02:54am] |
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well a lot of things have changed i am getting better now..meeting new friends hanging out working at the burger king.... I ALWAYS KNEW I WOULD GROW UP TA BE A BURGER WENCH
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[26 Jul 2005|10:22pm] |
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this sucks i cant even eat a crunchwrap without crying now... it sucks... im sorry but damnit...why does life have to be so fucking confusing...
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| this song is dedicated to nathan alexander |
[25 Jul 2005|05:29pm] |
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mood |
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alone |
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"Hear You Me"
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
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[23 Jul 2005|01:40pm] |
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)
I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this
I’ll never be alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight
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[23 Jul 2005|01:35pm] |
I had nothing to say
and i get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(i was confused)
and i live it all out to find, but im not the only person wit these things in mind
(inside of me)
but all that they can see the words revealed
is the only real thing that i got left to feel
(nothing to lose)
just stuck hollow and alone
and the fault is my own and the fault is my own
i wanna heal i wanna feel what i thought was never real
i wanna let go of the pain ive felt so long.
erase all the pain til its gone
i wanna heal i wanna feel like im close to something real.
i wanna find something ive wanted all along
somewhere i belong
and i got nothing to say. i cant believe i didnt fall right down on my face
(i was confused)
look at everywhere only to find.
it is not the way i had imagined it all in my mind.
(so what am i)
what do i have but negativity
cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me
(nothing to lose)
nothing to gain im hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own
I will never know myself until i do this on my own
cuz i will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be anything til i break away from me
i will break away. ill find myself today
I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away
I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
We’re all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
We’re all out of time, this is how we find how it all unwinds
The sacrifice is never knowing
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| energy drinks are bad for you |
[23 Jul 2005|11:46am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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dont ever drink energy drinks when you are utterly exaughsted or really really depressed... i dont know why but i had two on an empty stomach and its sucks everything is really really bright and i itch and my stomach is killing me and i feel dizzy and i miss nate and it sucks becuse i know he will never love me and damnit im really hateing life... i want to die like really or get kidnapped and taken far away and live alone forever or with a cat... i dont know my mind is not with me i just feel so alone...
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| wow this sucks |
[22 Jul 2005|10:35am] |
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mood |
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 sad and hurt |
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you know it hurts to have someone tell you that they love you and then turn around and hurt you especially when they are the only friend you ever wanted or needed and made you think that they were there for you when everyone else turned their backs on you. it really sucks to be strung along and be happy but hurt at the same time... i could live with it but the last time he hurt me it was deep jerking me around and telling me it was perminate its not fair then he breaks my heart i think we are done and over becuse he never did anything like this before turns around and still says he needs a couple of days to himself but never wanted to break up he was just angry at what happend... and mad and said hurtfull things... i dont understand nathan if you just wnated some days to yourself why didnt you just tell me, god i loved you and still do you dont think i would understand... but no you had to just hurt me and take all your stuff away and then like spit in my face i hurt and i cant take it anymore...you hurt me for the last time. i hope someday you find peace i hope someday you love me again. but for now i cant be with you. you cut me to the core nathan this time i just want to be loved if it is ment to be we will be togther again, but now its just so hard. it seems you are the one i might never get over all of me wants to just run to you and be in your arms and smell your familure good smell and just relax and be happy but i cant... i know it would only lead to pain and hurt... and i dont want that anymore... im tired of feeling like im your little failure... or that im retarded like you say and that i need to grow up.. its by your words i decided that this would be best and its hard to do this but i hope someday if i am ment to b with you, you will show me/ till then i love you and i want you to be as safe and happy as possible... and thank you for everything... i love you there will always be a place in my heart for you.
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fear_my_gloom's journal